The Reality of Bipolar Disorder: Living with Depression, Mania, and Medication
Jennifer DeHayes-Rice
Undergraduate
University of Northern Colorado
Email: deha6770@blue.unco.edu
Depression joined my life shortly after I entered middle school and tagged on persistently through my adolescent years. At first, my sullen moods were brushed off as mere hormonal changes, but I quickly became aware there was something more behind them. The severity of depression is difficult to explain without personal thoughts and examples. I know that my depression is coming long before it sets in. There is a cloud of forewarning that starts to move in on the vibrancy of my thoughts and vision; the world becomes distorted and negative. Slowly, this bleakness moves in from the outside world down to the pit of my stomach where it creates a dark, menacing feeling that makes me want to cry, scream, and vomit all at the same time. The feeling beckons me to a state of hopelessness and complete despair. Lingering thoughts of paranoia become prominent which leaves friends as foes out to abandon me and complete strangers as agents out to destroy me. The thoughts of negativity drag me deeper and deeper until I am convinced there is no bottom; they separate me from the outside world. It is in this lowest state that one of two things happens: either I am persuaded by suicidal tendencies or the blackness lifts without a trace. Without medication, death was always a daunting possibility of ending this horrid affair. The cycling of depression became a constant part of my life leaving me always afraid of what was around the corner.
The other side of that corner did not appear in my life until the end of high school. Around the time of my eighteenth birthday, my mania began its cycle. The brutality of mania may set in as mere normalcy, but, in time, that same "normalcy" can end worse than depression. At first, my mania seems like a blessed relief from depression. Mania brings me to a splendid portrait of joy. The cloud of depression lifts, and the colors and elements of life appear optimistic and bright. The community becomes full of opportunities for change and involvement. I become extremely enthusiastic and join whatever organization serves my current purposes, and, often times, I join several at once. The beginning of mania is fun and full of energy; it is what I would imagine it is like to be completely content. However, this "contentment" turns out to be nothing more than a façade and fades as quickly as it appears. After days, weeks, or sometimes months, my mania begins to come to its peak. I start to feel as if I could take on impossible challenges and will do anything in my power to keep from admitting defeat. Sleep becomes an option that I do not wish to take on for more than a couple hours a night. In mania, people cannot spit out ideas fast enough, books do not read quick enough, and my attention span cannot focus long enough. My thoughts do not occur independently; instead, my mind will focus on four or five things at once. Life becomes hectic and confusing; I feel as if I am on a roller coaster that no one is driving. I become convinced that I am crazy. When it comes to this, I want to escape from life because I cannot keep up, and I cannot escape from this fast pace. It is in this blind panic that my mania reaches its climax. I have my worst anxiety attacks. In these attacks, I become irritated and angry with the world for alienating me in such a vicious way. Once again, I am left with two roads; sometimes I head down the road that leads to suicidal tendencies, or, if I am lucky, my mania lifts, and I am left with clear thoughts and nervously await my next episode.
Fortunately with the diagnosis of my disorder, I was promptly put on a strict regiment of medications and therapy which will keep my symptoms at a minimum and help me live an enjoyable life. I learned that bipolar disorder is a medical condition caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and it was mandatory to take medication to live a productive life. I was quickly taken off the anti-depressants I was put on for depression and prescribed a mood stabilizer called Trileptal. In accepting this prescription, I acknowledged the fact that I would have to take at least two 600mg tablets a day for the rest of my life to keep my brain in balance. After a couple of weeks on Tripleptal, my mood came to a stable level, and my psychiatrist placed me on an antidepressant known as Effexor. Since my depressions were more prominent than my manias, it became necessary to put me on Effexor. With the medication taking care of my moods, I was able to start working on my mental processing in talk therapy. In talk therapy, I work with my psychologist to rebuild all the aspects of my life that were deteriorated by my bipolarity being untreated for so long. Currently, I am working on reconstructing my self-confidence, erasing my paranoia, restricting my uncertainty, and building my optimism. My psychologist and I also try to create strategies to further prevent episodes from occurring by recognizing the symptoms before an episode starts and by coming up with better coping skills. After a while, I will be able to stop talk therapy, but I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, medicine will not be able to fix everything perfectly. I will still have attacks of mania and depression, and since the disease is genetic, having kids will become a difficult struggle because of the inherent risk of passing on the disease and complications that might occur during pregnancy. Although my mania and depression will always remain with me and occasionally come back to haunt me, my future with this disease is looking better.
Depression, mania, and medication are all part of the bipolar disorder that will be with me for the rest of my life. The cruelty of depression and ruthlessness of mania are something that no person should have to bear. They force a person to doubt society, reject friends, and lose sanity while the disease slowly starts killing the victim from the inside out. However difficult my past has been made by depression and mania, my life has come to look brighter with the advancement of medication. Bipolar disorder is a life- long disease that will always have its setbacks; however, it is a disease that, with the proper medication, will not keep me locked in a cage separate from the outside world. With the diagnoses of bipolarity, I know that I will have to deal with depression and mania, but I also know that I was not born crazy. I was born with a disease, but I was meant to live as me.
Academic Exchange Extra invites reader responses to any writings in this issue--especially articles advancing the scholarly debate of issues raised.
- Web Editor
| ------------------------------ Page
Citation Reference: AE-Extra. Available Online. [URL: < >. Created: 24 December 2003. Updated: --. Accessed: ] |