Lukiv

QUIBILS AND QUIRKS©
(the original text as serialized in The Cariboo Observer)

Dan Lukiv, M.Ed.
English and Creative Writing
McNaughton Centre, Quesnel, BC, Canada
E-mail: lukivdan@shaw.ca

            At his house, Professor Hamburger felt through dark kitchen drawers for a candle and matches...He wanted to see the woman he was falling in love with!
            During the professor’s search through drawers, King Quibil, in the Royal Cave, waited for the other Miss Snapdragon to arrive.
            “Spank-spank-spank!” he said excitedly.
            Hooper, reunited with his parents (the king had released Mooch too), also excitedly waited for the “spanking spectacle.” But his mother kept embarrassing him.
            “Hooper!” she’d keep crying out, and she’d hug him, kiss him, tweak his nose, pull his ears, and brush fingers through his hair.
            His face felt scorched.
            “We were awfully worried,” Mr. Quirk said, absently reaching for his pipe.
            Mooch, his chicken tail sticking up like the CN Tower, said, “The king actually thought we were spies.”
            Hooper told Mooch and his parents about his travels, explaining how he’d met Professor Hamburger. Of course, he mentioned Booger Jimm, Quabbit, and Goopy. But he kept getting too excited, making himself fumble words.
            “Slow down,” Mrs. Quirk said. “Your words are spaghetti—and Professor Hamburger is dead.”
            He had to keep retelling the story, because, quite frankly, nobody could make much sense of it.
            But Miss Snapdragon’s wild entrance grabbed everybody’s attention. She screamed and twisted and kicked, almost escaping from her four captors.

NEXT EPISODE/CHAPTER 86: The quibils accuse Miss Snapdragon of crimes against Hooper and themselves.

            The scene unfolded before the king seated on his throne.
            “She crashed her bicycle,” one quibil said, clutching one of Miss Snapdragon’s arms.
            “Bolted down a hill and wammed into her own stairs,” another, wrestling one of her feet, said. Then her foot belted him in the nose.
            Another quibil, grasping her other arm, said, “She somersaulted through the air and landed on her porch.”
            “She’s a mean one,” the fourth quibil said. He held her other foot with one hand, but his other hand rubbed his sore belly. “She fought like a hosshopper, but here she is.”
            “Good,” the king said. “Now spank her.”
            “We must read the charges,” the Royal Attendant said.
            Miss Snapdragon, in her Indian jacket, wool pants, sweater, and mismatched socks, screamed and twisted and kicked—
            The four guards dropped her.
            “Ouch! You buffoons!” Up she stood, before the king, glaring at him, trying to tidy her hair. But she gave up. “You fat, stupid hair ball. You have no right kidnapping me! And you’ve got a screw loose if you think those bozos in town will pay to get me back. They’ll probably pay you to keep me!”
            “The charges,” the king said, noting leaves that stuck to her wool pants.
            The cross-eyed Royal Attendant stepped forward. He cleared his throat. His gold tooth twinkled. “You have been charged with insulting Hooper Quirk and instigating an attack on the quibils.

            “Why don’t you stink?” Miss Snapdragon said.
            “Don’t interrupt,” warned the Royal Attendant.
            “You’re supposed to stink!” she said.
            “Guilty!” the king said. “Let the spanking begin.”
            And so it did: whack, whack, whack.
            Spear-toting quibils had convinced her to stay bent over a bench as the Royal Attendant used a leather belt.
            After getting released, she sprinted out of the cave.
            The king laughed so hard that he fell off his throne, bumping his head on his Royal Footstool.
                                                                  ***
            Miss Snapdragon, the “Olympic sprinter” in wool pants, raced along a path towards Porksville.
            Along another path, the professor and Miss Snapdragon, wearing the white dress with red roses, were heading, they hoped, towards the Royal Cave.
            At the end of the trail, while crouched beneath a roof of fir branches, they peered up a rocky hill at a cave’s flickering entrance.
            “Do you think the king’s in there?” Miss Snapdragon nervously said.
            “I hope so—because we have to reason with him. I mean, how else are we going to stop this war—at least...for now.”
            Miss Snapdragon gulped.
            Up the hill they trudged. Miss Snapdragon felt odd, mounting a rocky hillside while wearing a pretty dress.
            Crumbs of moonlight allowed the professor, who was pulling at his wild beard, to observe her fine figure.

            Inside the Royal Cave, the professor muttered, “Where’s the stink?” As he spoke, he and Lesley faced the king, many other quibils, and the Quirks all seated at banquet tables.
            “Pass the bats.”
            “Pass the slugs.”
            “Pass the raspberry leaves.”
            “Look!” Hooper, seated with his parents, Mooch, and the king, at the head table, jumped up. “Professor Hamburger! Miss Snapdraqon!”
            “Professor Hamburger is dead,” Mrs. Quirk said.
            “Too many carrots.” The king winked at Mrs. Quirk.
            “I hate carrots,” Hooper said.
            “The shock of his parents getting arrested,” somebody said.
            “Pass the bats.”
            “I can’t stand the sight of these slugs,” Mrs. Quirk said.
            “We’ll be home soon,” Mr. Quirk told her.
            “When we get home,” she said, “I have a bone to pick with you, mister.”
            “What’s going on, Hooper?” the professor asked, glad that the quibils seemed cheerful.
            “Tell them about your time machine,” Hooper said.
            “Later.” The king swallowed a bat wing. “First I want to know why Miss Snapdragon has returned.”
            “Returned?” she said.
            “Yes, and why have you changed your clothes?” the king asked.
            “Nonsense,” she said. “I’ve come to apologize.”

NEXT EPISODE/CHAPTER 89: Miss Snapdragon and the professor each get a plate of bats to eat.

            “Apologize? Apologize for what?” The king licked his lips.
            “For insulting Hooper at school,” Miss Snapdragon said. “I don’t excuse anybody for chopping off people’s heads, but if I hadn’t been so unkind...” Professor Hamburger gently wrapped an arm around her. “If I’d been kinder, none of this would have happened.”
            “Apology accepted,” the king said. “The war’s off. Now seat the schoolteacher and that skinny bloke each down to a plate of bats.”
            “I beg your pardon?” she said.
            “Haven’t you eaten bats before?” the king asked.
            “Of course not,” she said.
            “Then you’re in for a treat,” he told her.
                                                                  ***
            On Miss Snapdragon’s plate lay three carrots and a deep-fried bat. She looked pale, and she wanted to leave, but she stayed to keep the king happy.
            Beside her, Professor Hamburger, ignoring his food, sat beside and jabbered to Mooch about his incredible day. Mooch bit off a bat’s head and listened. “But I have a terrible problem,” the professor said, summing up his story. “The lady I’ve fallen in love with might disappear.”

NEXT EPISODE/CHAPTER 90: While speaking to Mooch, Professor Hamburger explains that he and Miss Snapdragon and Hooper must think there is a war...? To keep the romance alive...? To keep the war from actually happening...? In spite of the king’s decision to abandon it...?

            Mooch grunted. “That doesn’t make any sense. But then, why does a man with brains fall in love with a stone?”
            “Oh, no. You’re wrong.” The professor spoke in a hushed voice. “She’s a bud that’s bloomed.”
            Blank-eyed, Miss Snapdragon looked around herself, horrified by the spectacle of feasting quibils.
            Mooch frowned. He’d heard that “love is screwy,” but now he knew the saying was true. “Why don’t you explain your problem.”
            “Think about tomorrow,” the professor said anxiously. “Lesley and Hooper and I must think there is a war. Lesley must come back with Hooper to today, to me, or everything will be changed.”
            “That’s bad?” Mooch asked.
            “Yes. We’ve stopped the war. We’ve convinced the king to not attack tomorrow. So what if today is altered, and we don’t change the king’s mind? Tomorrow will be chop, chop, chop.”
            “Really?” Mooch said. “I didn’t realize it was so serious.”
            “It’s worse,” he said. “There are two Miss Snapdragons. You see, this Miss Snapdragon right here is from the future, from tomorrow. But the other one is in town, in her own time.”
            “I get it,” Mooch said, feeling more serious. “This Miss Snapdragon can’t exist here now unless the other one steps into the time machine tomorrow.”

NEXT EPISODE/CHAPTER 91: The professor explains his bizarre plan to save his romance and make sure the war doesn’t go ahead.

            The professor explained: “She must get in the time machine with Hooper, as she did already, and believe the war’s actually taking place...tomorrow.”
            “So you and she can meet,” Mooch said, “spend today together, figure out how to stop the war, and use the time to fall in love?”
            “You do understand!” the professor said.
            “Yes,” Mooch said, “but she can’t think there is a war—and then come back.”
            “What? That’s what I’m trying to explain she MUST think. We’ll get the quibils—they don’t smell!—and Porksvillians to pretend there’s a war. But we won’t tell the other Miss Snapdragon—the one in town. So, when I arrive tomorrow, in the time machine, I’ll think I see a war. So will Hooper when he arrives at Porksville. He’ll pick up Miss Snapdragon. We’ll make sure he does. “We’ll—they’ll—all behave as we have. That’ll stop the war. And Lesley and I...well, you know.” He patted his chest.
            The professor’s logic made Mooch roll his eyes. “Have you ever seen a drain plug up?”
            “A drain?” The professor pulled at his beard. “What are you talking about?”
            “You’re creating a time-plug,” Mooch said.
            “A time-plug?” the professor said.

NEXT EPISODE/CHAPTER 92: Mooch explains why the professor’s plan won’t work.

            “You, professor, will think there is a war—when you first arrive at Porksville in your time machine,” Mooch said. “You won’t even know about this conversation. You’ll leave, meet Hooper, he’ll accidentally take off in the time machine, bring you Miss Snapdragon, and...Well, everything will be exactly the same as it has been. But you’ll end up in tomorrow, just as you soon will. And then what? Everybody’ll need to pretend there’s a war again...and again—”
            “Good heavens!” The professor pretended each time pale Lesley looked at him that all was fine.
            “In fact,” Mooch said, “how do you know this time-plug hasn’t already begun? Perhaps this is the second, or third, or hundredth time we’ve spoken about this.”
            “I’m getting an awful headache,” the professor said.
            “When you get in that time machine,” Mooch said, “what happens to you?”
            “Happens?” the professor asked, trying to smile at Lesley who had been staring at a quibil chewing raspberry leaves. “What do you mean?”

NEXT EPISODE/CHAPTER 93: Mooch tells the professor some of his plan. Quibils and Porksvillians finally meet peacefully. They discuss the plan and the day’s incredible events.

            “Say you’re in love at the start of the trip. Would you still feel the same at the end?” Mooch asked.
            “Yes...,” the professor said. “You’d be the same.”
            “Even if the trip changed time?” Mooch asked.
            “Yes,” the professor answered. “Time outside the time machine can’t change your thoughts once you’re traveling.”
            “Then that’s your answer,” Mooch said.
            “What?” the professor said.
            “How many can fit in the time machine?” Mooch asked.
            “How many?” the professor said, hearing the sound of food-chewing quibils everywhere.
            “Four?” Mooch asked.
            “I suppose so,” the professor said.
            “Then that’s your answer,” Mooch told him.
            “What?” he said.
            “Professor,” Miss Snapdragon announced, “if we don’t leave, I’m going to throw up.”
            “Yes, Lesley,” he said.
            “Now,” she warned.
            “Come outside,” the professor told Mooch. “Explain the rest to me.”
                                                                  ***
            An hour later, a special meeting took place in Porksville’s dim library, where shadowy book jackets lined dusty shelves.
            During the meeting, Mooch thought, “I hope my plan works, or there’ll be two dead professors and two dead Snapdragons.”

NEXT EPISODE/CHAPTER 94: The two Snapdragons argue. The mayor says, “Goo, goo.” And Betsy can’t believe that her brother, Professor Hamburger, is alive. Five years ago he left in his time machine without even telling her!

            They sat at a rectangle of four tables, before a stone fireplace.
            “Pop! Pop!” said the burning wood.
            “Goo, goo.” The diaper-wrapped mayor sat on a metal chair, eating his agenda.
            Betsy tapped her high heels on the gritty floor, glaring at the professor, thinking that five years ago he’d disappeared. She’d assumed he’d died! “And now,” she thought, “here he is, as if everything is wonderful!” She opened her mouth to speak: “Achoooooo!”
            The bald butcher, seated in a wheelchair, wiped Betsy’s spray off his face. He had two broken legs and a red head like a ripe tomato.
            “We’ve got to make sure this war never happens,” Arthur, the baker, said. He, too, had two broken legs—and a wheelchair. His crow-black eyebrows drew together. “Using the time machine sounds like a good idea.”
            “Why don’t these quibils stink?” Miss Snapdragon, who still wore one pink and one red sock, said. “They stank this morning when they marched into town.”
            “Perhaps we only thought they stank,” Lesley said. She still wore her white dress with red roses.
            “Idiot,” the other Miss Snapdragon said. “They have always stunk.”
            “How can I be an idiot?” Lesley asked. “I’m you. Or have you forgotten?”
            “Yeah?” the other Miss Snapdragon said. “Well, maybe you should have gotten the spanking instead—you and your Professor Numbskull.”

            “Maybe,” King Quibil said, “you ought to be walloped again.”
            “Yeah?” the rude Miss Snapdragon said. “Well, maybe YOU ought to be spanked. YOU almost chopped off everybody’s head.”
            “Goo, goo,” the mayor said.
            “Please!” Arthur squeezed his Roman nose, but he sneezed anyway. Then he turned to Miss Snapdragon—the one with the still-sore behind. “Silence your tongue, or you WILL be spanked again.”
            Many clapped.
            The professor thought about what Mooch had said: “It won’t matter if both Snapdragons meet.” The professor hoped Mooch was right. As he hoped that, he noticed how angry Betsy looked. He’d explain his absence of five years to her later.
            “I’m tired,” Hooper said.
            “Yes,” his mother whispered, “but we’ve got to wait until these yo-yos make peace.”
            “Yes,” Mr. Quirk said, “this meeting was hard to organize. Let’s see it through. And besides, if everything works out, Hooper, you’ll be able to return to school.”
            “The king has something to say,” the Royal Attendant said.
            The king looked like a hairy Humpty Dumpty. He spoke: “The time machine will arrive tomorrow morning about ten. We’ll meet at eight o’clock, on Main Street, for a game of hide-and-stop-seek. Then we’ll test Mooch’s plan.”

            Dr. Dewknob, looking thoughtful, sat rubbing his black eye.
            “Time will be changed,” warned Mooch, acting fidgety. He certainly hoped both professors and both Snapdragons wouldn’t die. But, no. The plan seemed in order. Didn’t it? The war wouldn’t actually take place, would it? “Everything will be changed,” Mooch explained, “for the better.” He spoke again about why there would be two professors, and why both would become one, and also about why there would be two Snapdragons, and why both would become one.
            The professor held Lesley’s hand.
            “It’s cold,” she said.
            “At any rate, we don’t think,” Mooch said, “that the war will take place.” He winked at the professor, meaning the romance wouldn’t be harmed.
            “Splendid,” Dr. Dewknob said.
            “Achoo!” Betsy said.
            “Heads.”
            “Pop, pop, pop,” said the burning wood in the fireplace.
            “Meeting’s adjourned,” Arthur said.
                                                                  ***
            After the meeting, Betsy, along with her husband, Arthur, in their living-room, spoke to (her brother) the professor and Miss Snapdragon.
            Betsy, standing, and facing her brother, said, “How could you? Your brute! How many years ago did you leave? Five! No note for us. We thought you were dead!”

Copyright © 1997, 1998, 1999 by Dan Lukiv. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

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